Down By The Bay
by Sass Trek
Summary: A small collection of short plot tribbles starring McCoy. What exactly does he do in med bay when Jim gets into his stupid messes? Rated T for our favourite colourful CMO, first ST fic, apologies for any mistakes!
1. A Threatening Appearance

**A/N: This is my first Star Trek story but I made this account so they wouldn't get mixed up with my PotterWhoLock stories. I'm part of the new generation of Trekkies so I apologize if i get any characters or information wrong. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek**

It wasn't supposed to be a really busy day. Bones had a few cases of the flu on his hands, but nothing serious. That is, until James T Kirk was escorted in with a phaser stuck up his nose.

"What the hell Jim?" the doctor asked. Jim might do the stupidest things when it came to his allergies, but he'd never done something this stupid before. A gleeful Uhura was standing by, trying not to laugh. Jim glared.

"I threatened to stick my phaser up Spock's nose and he said it was impossible so I proved him wrong. Except now it's stuck," the captain muttered. Uhura was openly laughing now and McCoy snickered.

"Dammit Bones, fix me!" Kirk exclaimed, gesturing wildly at the gun in his right nostril.

"Hold your horses, I can fix it," Bones sputtered, trying not to laugh. He pulled Jim over to a bed and instructed him to sit.

"You might want to leave, Uhura," he suggested and a gasping Nyota Uhura left the sick bay holding her stomach.

McCoy gathered his supplies and went about the business of removing the gun from Jim's nose.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep it there? It suits you," he grinned as Jim glared at him as if he were about to smack him across the face.

"Just get it out," he groaned, "My nostrils don't stretch this much for this long." Bones nodded, trying not to laugh.

Twenty minutes and a lot of wiggling later, the slimy phaser was safely on a tray for cleaning and out of the captain's nose. Chekov had since arrived to ask if the captain was ready to come back and had left giggling like a little girl, after witnessing Jim sitting on a bed with McCoy peering closely at his nostrils. Once the kid had arrived, Bones had made sure he'd mentioned Jim's nose hair at least twelve times. It'd take Jim at least a week to smile that one off.

Now that he was finished and Jim was back on the, likely hysterical, bridge. McCoy found himself bored. _Ah well,_ he thought, _Jim will be bored too and soon enough he'll come back with an even better story._ He wasn't wrong either, Spock came down a few hours later, informing him that Jim had accidently cuffed himself to his seat.

**A/N: I hope you liked it. Please review if you did, and if you didn't, tell me what I could do better!**


	2. What's Cooking?

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I wrote this on the car trip to my cottage so it might not be quite as good but I still hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Star Trek!**

There had been another incident in which Jim had eaten strange food and gotten sick to his stomach, vomiting uncontrollably for hours. McCoy was only just finished the records before Jim entered again.  
"Second time in three hours Jim? That's a new record!" he grinned. The captain glared at him and stuck out his tongue.  
"Help me," he said, but it was hard to make out. Jim's tongue was green and decidedly slimier and larger than usual.  
"What the," McCoy trailed off, snickering. Kirk grimaced.  
"I think it was Chekov's cooking. It looked radioactive but he was so disappointed that no one would eat it so I took a bite and this happened!" Kirk wailed.  
McCoy nodded sympathetically. The kid should definitely not be allowed to cook, after the number of times his strange concoctions sent people to the sick bay.  
"I'll fix it. Sit," he instructed. Before Kirk saw what he was about to do, McCoy stabbed him in the neck with the hypospray he'd grabbed off the side tray.  
"Bones! Jeez!" Jim yelled, but it had already started to work and his tongue was quickly shrinking. Kirk's words were clearer and his mouth wasn't as puffed out to accommodate his huge tongue. The captain was now swearing under his breath, threatening Chekov and his cooking in various creative ways, such as using them as power for warp drive, which always seemed to be needed. Leonard looked on in amusement. It wasn't often the captain lost his temper with Chekov and when he did, it was usually rather funny. The kid brought out the childish ideas in everyone.

"Bones, can I leave now?" Kirk asked a few minutes later. Even McCoy had to admit that the hyposprays were really quick fixes. "Oh, yeah, get out, I need the bed," he replied. Jim hopped off the cot and swaggered out, that was really the only word for it. He smiled flirtatiously at the two entering red shirts, who giggled and smiled back, then winked at the nurses and exited the sick bay, heading back to his chair on the bridge. McCoy rolled his eyes. That was very stereotypical Captain Kirk. The flirty, handsome captain, not the brave, quick thinking, caring captain, the one who loved his crew like family and would never give up on anyone. No, this Jim just had to flirt with everything he saw, didn't he? McCoy wouldn't be surprised if he tried to seduce the hyposprays into stinging less. He snorted at the idea before turning to the red shirts and growling, "What do you want?", his own little stereotypical Leonard McCoy moment.


	3. Joke's On You

**A/N: A few things about this chapter:**

**- I wrote it on my iPod, the typing isn't great and formatting stinks,**

**- Uhura is probably OOC, I find her a bit difficult,**

**- Scotty and Chekov have trashed accents, I really can't write them,**

**- Lastly, I'm not sure of some of the medical procedures so they're kind of rushed, sorry.**

**Disclaimer: Star Trek isn't mine!**

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Chekov was the first.

McCoy was minding his own business, filling out paperwork, when the young ensign walked in. Actually, he hopped in, but the sight still made Bones let out a snort.

"What did you do?" he asked, trying not to laugh.

Chekov's legs were stuck together and the kid could hardly move.

"Keptain glued my pants together," he muttered, "Please fix eet, Doctor."

"Sit," Bones pointed to the nearest chair gruffly.

Chekov started to hop over slowly. McCoy groaned and picked up the young Russian and set him down on the bed, none too gently.

Chekov wasn't flexible at all so Bones was forced to slice off the kid's pants. Chekov was incredibly relieved to be able to walk again and Bones had to yell after him to "Put on some damn pants!"

The second was Scotty.

The engineer was holding his right hand gingerly. Bones was supposed to heading over to eat but he stopped in his tracks and sighed when he saw Scotty.

"I think I've broken my hand," the man cringed as he shifted his hands.

"Sit," he groaned.

Scotty sat. He held out his hand to be examined. It was purple and swollen but a bit of scanning and gentle prodding determined that it wasn't broken.

"How the hell did you do that anyway?" McCoy asked.

"Captain reprogrammed the doors. I dinna know and I caught my hand in it," Scotty glared at the floor as if it were Kirk.

Scotty hadn't even left before Uhura stumbled in. Spock followed, dictating her every move. Uhura's eyes were shut tightly.

"Doctor?" Uhura asked in what she thought was the direction of McCoy, "Captain switched my shampoo for engine grease. It's all in my eyes and I'm supposed to be on the bridge."

McCoy didn't bother directing her to the bed. He simply stabbed her with a hypospray and caught her before she hit the ground. He brought her over to the cot and gingerly started the process of getting the grease out of her eyes. Eventually, she woke up, able to see again.

When Bones finally arrived at dinner, he immediately spotted Jim. Grabbing his dinner plate, he went over to sit across from him.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Bones slammed his fork down on the table, glaring at Jim.

"What, those little pranks? C'mon Bones, those were just fun," Jim protested.

"Just fun, my ass. Three unexpected and unnecessary trips to my sick bay. Your little pranks are anything but funny Jim," Bones spat.

"No one was supposed to get hurt," Jim trailed off as he saw the murderous glare in McCoy's eyes.

"Listen here you little shit, your boredom is going to kill everyone. Go punch some bags or play chess with the hobgoblin or something but I am never going to see another prank victim, yeah?" he snapped.

"Yeah, never," Jim croaked, making a mental note to change his plans to prank McCoy the next day. Maybe he should organize a chess game with Spock instead.


	4. Suspicious Activities

**I feel like I don't update enough so here's a new chapter! This one's for Sonar, who gave me the idea. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!**

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McCoy was suspicious from the first sight he glimpsed of Jim Kirk that morning.

Jim was glancing left and right as if he didn't want to be seen. He was heading towards the quarters. Bones hoped he was just sneaking in some extra sleep, but doubted it since he was constantly reminding the idiot that not everyone could survive on as little sleep as the hobgoblin. Kirk seemed to be having a silent contest with his first officer as to who could sleep the least.

It didn't sit well with him and he decided to follow Jim. Kirk turned down one of the corridors at a brisk pace. Bones was too slow and the captain had already vanished from sight. He would have gone looking if one of the nurses hadn't requested his presence in the med bay for an injured engineer.

"Damn engineers," he muttered.

Bones saw Jim again when he was going to a science lab to check on some burns an officer received from a new species of plant. Jim was sneaking around again. His suspicious manner was only increased by the bottle of engine grease he was carrying.

"What the hell are you doing with that?" Bones asked.

"Bones! I was just taking it to Scotty," Jim stumbled over his words.

"That better be true. I don't want to see you taking up space in my sick bay because of a damn prank," Bones snapped.

He let Jim go. He strongly suspected the captain was lying but he figured he might as well let Jim do whatever the hell he wanted. He always did.

The third time McCoy ran into the idiot was on his way to lunch. He was starving and definitely not in the mood for Jim and his...activities, for want of a better word.

This time, Jim was tinkering with the doors. Bones knew for a fact that they weren't broken.

"What the hell Jim? They're not broken," he asked.

"Oh, hey Bones, they're a bit slow. I'm just fixing them. It's not a prank," Jim replied, a wide-eyed picture of innocence.

He'd obviously thought about his response first. There wasn't any hesitation, just a look on his face like he was remembering lines.

"Dammit Jim, if this is one of your pranks, I'll hypospray your ass."

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**I've run out of ideas, except for the last chapter. If you want more, please leave a prompt in your review. Thanks!**


	5. Revenge by Salsa Dancing

**This one's for the guest reviewer who requested this. Sorry it's so short and bad, I felt like I needed to upload but I'm kind of out of prank ideas. I would have uploaded sooner, but I wrote a Sherlock one-shot, which would be awesome if you could check it out, and wrote some stuff for a story I'll post once I've finished this one.**

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Bones was sick and tired of Jim's pranks. They were constantly getting crew members sent to his sick bay and interrupting his paperwork. Jim needed a good pranking back. McCoy was going to do exactly that, if he could ever get out of the paperwork.

His chance came about an hour later.

"Doctor McCoy? We have a small explosion in Engineering 3. We need someone to go take a look at the victims," Nurse Chapel said, poking her head into his office.

Muttering about the engineers and their experiments, he rose from his desk, grabbed the tools he'd asked Chekov to get him from Engineering and grabbed the bag of supplies she'd set out for him. He shoved the tools to the bottom of the bag. McCoy hurried out the door, hoping that if he got there fast enough, he would have enough time before he came back to carry out his plan.

Bones arrived at the scene a few minutes later. There were half a dozen dazed engineers sitting around a small black crater in the floor. Among them was Scotty. Bones checked the rest over first before declaring them fit to return to their duties and stomping over to Scotty.

"This better not be your idea," he said.

"Aye, it was," Scotty admitted reluctantly.

"What the hell were you thinking? What the hell were you even doing?" he asked but Scott didn't open his mouth to reply.

McCoy sighed and returned his supplies to his bag.

"Back to your duties Mr Scott," he said, before leaving the deck.

He headed towards the quarters, hoping Chekov would meet him there as planned. Thankfully, the kid remembered and they headed towards the panel for the doors. Bones pulled out the tools and handed them to Chekov. In turn, the ensign gave him a small little camera and some stuff to stick it to the wall.

"Work your magic kid," he whispered.

Chekov nodded, leaned over and pried open the panel. He pulled out a few wires and plugged them back into different places. Then he pulled a few extra wires out of his pocket and attached those to some of the blue wires. Chekov stood up and grinned.

"All done, Doctor," he said proudly.

McCoy finished attaching the camera to the wall and pressed the recording button before grinning at Chekov. They both turned away and scurried back to their shifts.

Five hours later, they got what they wanted. Jim returned to his quarters, only to find the doors wouldn't open. He tried to pry them open, he even tried asking nicely but no matter what they stayed shut. Suddenly, a voice spoke up, telling him that the doors would only open if he salsa danced around the corridor. Jim sighed. He needed back into his quarters, but he was the captain. He definitely did not salsa dance in front of so many engineers and scientists. The voice persisted and finally, he gave up.

The milling crew members, bored after so many days of simply sitting in space and not actually doing anything, laughed so hard they cried. Jim Kirk was so embarrassed he nearly died. He might have, if he'd known an unseen camera was broadcasting his salsa dancing, if you could call it that, onto every screen on the ship.

Finally, the doors opened and he dashed inside his quarters. Jim didn't know who'd done that to him, but he had a sneaking suspicion that his CMO was having a little too much free time on his hands.

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**Please tell me if you'd like the last chapter or leave a prompt if you want this to continue in your review!**


	6. I'll Fix It

**A/N: Sorry for not updating for so long! School started and I just didn't have time. This is the last chapter, as I've run out of ideas, and it's short and angsty. Also, it contains spoilers for Into Darkness. Consider that your warning.**

**Disclaimer: Star Trek is definitely not mine.**

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McCoy couldn't breathe.

His lungs were on fire, trying to comprehend how they were still sucking in air. His throat burned with the effort of keeping his emotions in check. His brain was frozen, like a faulty computer or one of those ancient hard drives. His grumpy exterior was struggling to maintain it's composure.

His eyes were lying. They had to be. Jim did the stupidest things for the stupidest reasons, but he'd never really been hurt all that badly. The one time he did something incredibly stupid for the right reasons, he ends up lying under the harsh, unforgiving lights of the med bay, in a body bag on the table.

The one time Jim Kirk did something he shouldn't have for other people, he ended up dead.

Bones stared at the body. It was obviously Jim, there was no mistaking that blond hair and those deep blue eyes. It couldn't have been their captain though. The hair seemed dull and the eyes were glazed over, unseeing. He swallowed his denial and moved closer to the body bag containing their one great hope.

He moved through the necessary procedures and test like a zombie. He really shouldn't be there doing it, he was emotionally compromised beyond belief but he couldn't stop.

If he stopped, Jim would really be dead and Bones would descend into alcoholism and depression once more. Maybe this time he wouldn't come out. After all, this time there would be no smiling blonde idiot to pull him back out. It would be that exact same blonde idiot who'd push him back in.

He'd resign once they were back on Earth and he knew the rest of the crew were safe. Despite his outer attitude, McCoy had a heart, and it was snapping in two with the weight of his best friend's death. The least he could do for Jim was wait to make sure his friends were okay before he took off to wreck himself again.

He wouldn't come out this time, it was decided. The day he couldn't fix James T Kirk was the day Bones lost the will to live a better life. And McCoy refused to stay on the ship that had been Jim's ultimate destruction, even if it was voluntary destruction, because that ship was his own destruction, just as much as the captain's.

Leonard reached for the key to lock the bag. He'd put it down beside the tribble they'd experimented on, the one that was just as stone dead as the captain of the ship it was currently on. As his fingers brushed the fluffy ball of fur, it shuddered away from him. He kept reaching for the key, oblivious in his current state to what it might mean.

It hit him like a truck, just as he was about to lock his best friend into his death. He pulled the key out of the lock and unzipped the bag. Spock had gone after that maniac, hadn't he?

"Chapel, contact Mr Spock. Tell him we need the mad man here alive immediately. I've found a way to fix Captain Kirk."

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**A/N: Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favourited and followed! I've got some one-shots from other fandoms in my head, so hopefully I'll post those soon. I'm also working on a Doctor Who/ Star Trek crossover, but it's got seven chapters planned so far and I've only written one and a half, so that will go up once I've finished the rest. Thanks!**


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